Before I say anything, I will try to be as clear as possible: I'm tired. I'm sick. So this post might be irrelevant in the future who knows.
First of all, we all know what attention is, how to get it and how to not get it, but let's be honest: In this world, nobody cares about you until they need something from you.
This comes from me, with a family, friends and even things to do, but I never got the attention I needed to keep moving, I am deadass frozen.
It's really not that hard to be a good friend, at least for me, even when i'm angry, I can be good, but I won't let that happen anymore, I am seriously melting my brain retaining all this anger throughout the years. Now, what is happening is something I already talked about, yet NO ONE GAVE A FUCK. My family? busy with work. My mother? If I don't go to the university I am fucking useless. My friends? They won't bother to talk to me, and if they do, I get the shittiest excuses to not talk to them, only to notice that all of them are hanging out somewhere, 5 minutes after talking to me and not bothering to invite me or anything.
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
"I am having a bad day." Yeah, like every fucking time I tried talking to you. The others?
"What do you want?" I want genuine proof we are friends, and it's easy as fuck. Just for the love of god SAY SOMETHING that isn't a way to avoid me. "Oh but I am like this towards everyone" Yeah, like when you actually get what you need at the moment you need it, because that's what family and friends are for. Bullshit.
I always try to talk to everyone, even if it's just a simple "hello", I always try to be a good friend, yet it does not fucking work.
Do I have to explain why do I have to fucking fake being suicidal just to get asked if i'm okay? Is THAT normal? It fucking hurts, a lot, and sadly it's not like this will end soon.
I will never have the love and affection I had when I was little, I had everything despite my bad luck with friendship. Everything started when my grandparents died. I started to lose everything. I used to smile at photos, I don't anymore. I cared for others, not as much anymore, I FELT BAD FOR THE DEATH OF A FAMILY MEMBER, well, NOT ANYMORE.
This lack of attention has destroyed me, possibly forever. And everyone now will come to me to ask if I'm okay or just mentally ill.
I am not okay, And I wasn't. Part of me is gone, and now I am what I am today, an useless, selfish, attention-seeking parasite, that unfortunately did not get his chance to save himself. and this is something so fucked up because MY MOTHER SAID THOSE WORDS, right in front of my face. Is this my reward?
I tried everything, I got into new games just to play with friends, I watched things I honestly did not want to watch with friends and yet I did, I was made to do everything in other's favor, but when it was my turn? nobody was around me. Say what you want, but I feel physically assaulted writing all of this, because I love people. I love humanity as a species, what we are capable of, yet we are reduced to this.
And I want to be clear yet again: I had to do EVERYTHING by myself, while desperately asking for help, I never got my reward, and probably never will, because if I do, I'll be completely alone because of what this fucking situation is doing to me. I WANT to be your friend yet you are here making excuses to not do anything?
WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN MONTHS AND I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW ARE YOU.
Is it really that fucking hard? Am I doing something wrong? Everything just makes me think that I deserve this, and if I do, hell. Not even telling someone i'm depressed helped.
Yet they will do anything to help their other depressed friend.
I am just becoming what I swore to never be, despite trying my best, yet here we are, no rewards. Is it even justified to ask for it nowadays? I became a terrible person, and this is proven, most of my family would be dissapointed in what I have become, everything for not having the attention I needed.
I got insulted, yelled and even thrown shit at by some people in particular throughout my life, and I still gave them another chance, because it's who I want to be.
In the end, sometimes you think, well, this will be different, but no. I am tired. Tired of faking that this is okay, I'll just hold tight until I collapse. All the things I have done for most of people, all the times I saved friends from suicide because of the same reasons, yet here I am, I have done nothing, yet no reward. All I ask for is attention, which unfortunately is something that has mistakenly been misinterpreted. I just want love.
Maybe if I stopped being like this, I would get my reward.
If I am able to deal with bad people, only to open my door to them with open arms for another chance, pretty sure you can do the same to me, but it's up to you.
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